horoscopes

Horoscopes for Vol. III, Issue IX

Aries
After conversing with Jupiter I’ve been warned that there’s a rock in space that’s on course to collide with a small planet which could be devastating. However they are still a few light years away. Initially I thought it was a bad omen, but if this doesn’t represent your love life then what does Aries?

Taurus
Neptune rising is saying that the reason you never found a partner for this Valentine’s Day was because you can’t find love without leaving your room. Unless Neptune is saying that your one true love is within. Whether that’s within yourself or within your room I don’t know I’m just translating energy waves here.

Gemini
You know Gemini, I am so terribly sorry but I can’t read any celestial waves of wisdom because you just can’t seem to stop talking long enough. Which is exactly why you’ll never find love – because you don’t LISTEN.

Cancer
I know you missed Valentine’s Day – but look for someone who seems like, if you, Cancer, were not so aware of your surroundings, that you would crash into each other. It might be a few years but just…watch for that.

Leo
Leo, you were named after the great Leo DiCaprio, and as such are subject to his same fortune. A Leo understands that with patience comes great things, deserved or not, and though you may be lonely now there will come a day after you have learned the lesson of patience where love will find you. Do not seek it.

Virgo
Yeah, you were named after a Virgin, and you will stay that way forever. Do not contaminate your namesake. But anyways, that’s why nobody is dating you.

Libra
I know you have love, but if you’re thinking you want some better love then talk to a Leo in your community. It was Mercury’s suggestion not mine. I don’t even like Leos.

Scorpio
Scorpios sting just as much as their tragic lack of true love. If you weren’t so fiesty all the time, you’d have a companion just as devoted as you could be. Alas, you are unaware of how much you can hurt people.

Sagittarius
The Archer, Sagittarius, is skilled with the arrow and can land a bullseye every time. Well, almost every time? It seems there’s something you’re still missing (all puns intended).

Capricorn
Uranus rules your sign, and you just laughed at that so your immaturity level ruins all your relationships. Ouch.

Aquarius
Go try looking for love at an AQUAtic centre. Plus swimming is good for you and you need the exercise.

Pisces
Your heart is in pisces (HA, I meant pieces but that’s just a joke from me to you). I understand Pisces, and it’s all because your life is in pieces too. Put it back together and the empty cracks will fill themselves.

Horoscopes for Vol. III, Issue VIII

Aries

Aries, you are the first 30 degrees of celestial longitude, and with this attitude you have that’s going to be the only type of degree you’ll ever know.

Taurus

Venus rules over you, watching closely. Venus is telling you to stop trying so hard to be down to earth and take a break. Live a little.

Gemini

Mercury is telling you to open up to someone this new year. Stop trying to have two sides to you all of the time and just let everyone see who you are.

Cancer

As the universe is vast and ever so mysterious, so is your future. Your past too. Seriously what the hell is going on with you?

Leo

Leo the Lion, ruled by the sun and fire, but not so hot. Seriously, stop acting like you’re hot s***. There’s a difference between confidence and cocky.

Virgo

As we enter into February, the planets are aligning to warn you about that thing you said you’d do several times but still haven’t done. You should do it. I know you won’t, but heed this warning anyways.

Libra

God I love Libra’s. Seriously I met a Libra at the bar a few nights ago and just wow. Don’t stop.

Scorpio

New year Scorpio, and same exact you. Don’t feel bad. You tried and that’s what counts.

Sagittarius

Scorpio go to mars to get more chocolate bars, Sagittarius goes to Jupiter to get more stupider. Sorry. It’s not my fault Jupiter rules over you.

Capricorn

Your new year has been off to a great start, Capricorn. You’ve only ordered pizza TWICE instead of your usual six. Wow. Inspiring.

Aquarius

The stars say happy birthday. Actually they didn’t say anything because stars can’t talk, but the Dag says happy birthday.

Pisces

My favourite thing about Pisces is that I’ve never met a Pisces who didn’t cry like six times a day, which is so ironic since you’re a water sign and your symbol is a fish.