BY AMITAV BANERJI / Dagligtale Staff Writer

Augustana has a lot to offer its students, such as small class sizes, personal relationships with professors and additional staff, as well as free Booster Juice once a semester. We pride ourselves on the personal relationships we are able to build with our friends and professors at Augustana to the point they are with us throughout the most intimate parts of our life as we grow, and as we poop. Most of our washrooms allow our classmates and peers to listen in when nature calls, so where should we go to get the best experience as we say goodbye to food’s evil cousin?

Before we start, let’s go ahead and flush down the stigma accompanying this topic. The truth is everyone poops, and everyone drives down Hershey highway, including your friends, family, professors, and Hutch. It is a shared experience and while it might be a little unpalatable, dropping the morning missile is something that connects us all. This shared experience can only be truly appreciated when it occurs in the absence of anxiety. You shouldn’t feel pressure or stress while letting out the soft serve because the objective is to relieve in peace and not create diamonds. After extensive research, I would like to present to you my guide to eliminating poopxiety at Augustana.

1. The Library – 0/5

The library washrooms are the worst place on campus to “throw mama from the train.” Having a washroom in the middle of the quietest place on campus seems like an intentional design flaw. As students are zoning in to finish their papers and study for classes, they get to listen to a racket of sounds that end with the hand dryers. While they may be convenient, convenience doesn’t do much when it comes to eliminating poopxiety.

2. Main Floor Forum – 1/5

This washroom is probably the most bizarre washroom I have come across at Augustana. It is extremely small for a washroom that is located in one of the busiest places on campus. Its only redeeming quality is you might find relief in all the noise coming from the forum, which isn’t always guaranteed.

3. Founders’ Hall – 3/5

Founders’ Hall is the most well renovated and lavish building on campus. It is beautiful and so are the washrooms. Every painting, every award in that building tells a story and so does every sound. You may think you have found a private paradise in the Founder’s Hall washroom, but everyone else in the building would beg to differ. The sound seems to defy the laws of physics in this building.

4. Gym/ Locker Room – 2/5

Good news: if you are an extrovert, this washroom is for you, but it is quite terrible for eliminating poopxiety. While these washrooms are well lit and clean, they usually get flooded with students returning from a PAC class or athletes.

5. Classroom Building – 4/5

This washroom is usually great for squeezing a loaf. It has plenty of room and due to its inconvenient location, you usually end up missing a good 10 minutes of class.

6.  ASA Office – 4.5/5

No, I do not mean that you are allowed to poop in the ASA office. If you have any urges to do so, please talk to a representative and use the washrooms in front of the ASA. These washrooms are well lit, clean and not crowded. In addition, they also have a secret washroom down the hall from the ASA office. The only problem is this ‘secret’ washroom isn’t really that secret. Everyone knows about it and chances are you will run into someone you know.

7. Roger Epp Board Room – 5/5

These washrooms are the best place to bomb swirl harbor. They are rarely ever used, give guaranteed privacy, smell like happiness and always have lotion. The next time you feel the need to bust a grumpy, treat yo’ self and use the washrooms by the Roger Epp Board Room.