Horoscopes for Vol. III, Issue IX

After conversing with Jupiter I’ve been warned that there’s a rock in space that’s on course to collide with a small planet which could be devastating. However they are still a few light years away. Initially I thought it was a bad omen, but if this doesn’t represent your love life then what does Aries?

Neptune rising is saying that the reason you never found a partner for this Valentine’s Day was because you can’t find love without leaving your room. Unless Neptune is saying that your one true love is within. Whether that’s within yourself or within your room I don’t know I’m just translating energy waves here.

You know Gemini, I am so terribly sorry but I can’t read any celestial waves of wisdom because you just can’t seem to stop talking long enough. Which is exactly why you’ll never find love – because you don’t LISTEN.

I know you missed Valentine’s Day – but look for someone who seems like, if you, Cancer, were not so aware of your surroundings, that you would crash into each other. It might be a few years but just…watch for that.

Leo, you were named after the great Leo DiCaprio, and as such are subject to his same fortune. A Leo understands that with patience comes great things, deserved or not, and though you may be lonely now there will come a day after you have learned the lesson of patience where love will find you. Do not seek it.

Yeah, you were named after a Virgin, and you will stay that way forever. Do not contaminate your namesake. But anyways, that’s why nobody is dating you.

I know you have love, but if you’re thinking you want some better love then talk to a Leo in your community. It was Mercury’s suggestion not mine. I don’t even like Leos.

Scorpios sting just as much as their tragic lack of true love. If you weren’t so fiesty all the time, you’d have a companion just as devoted as you could be. Alas, you are unaware of how much you can hurt people.

The Archer, Sagittarius, is skilled with the arrow and can land a bullseye every time. Well, almost every time? It seems there’s something you’re still missing (all puns intended).

Uranus rules your sign, and you just laughed at that so your immaturity level ruins all your relationships. Ouch.

Go try looking for love at an AQUAtic centre. Plus swimming is good for you and you need the exercise.

Your heart is in pisces (HA, I meant pieces but that’s just a joke from me to you). I understand Pisces, and it’s all because your life is in pieces too. Put it back together and the empty cracks will fill themselves.

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