Aries

Aries, you are the first 30 degrees of celestial longitude, and with this attitude you have that’s going to be the only type of degree you’ll ever know.

Taurus

Venus rules over you, watching closely. Venus is telling you to stop trying so hard to be down to earth and take a break. Live a little.

Gemini

Mercury is telling you to open up to someone this new year. Stop trying to have two sides to you all of the time and just let everyone see who you are.

Cancer

As the universe is vast and ever so mysterious, so is your future. Your past too. Seriously what the hell is going on with you?

Leo

Leo the Lion, ruled by the sun and fire, but not so hot. Seriously, stop acting like you’re hot s***. There’s a difference between confidence and cocky.

Virgo

As we enter into February, the planets are aligning to warn you about that thing you said you’d do several times but still haven’t done. You should do it. I know you won’t, but heed this warning anyways.

Libra

God I love Libra’s. Seriously I met a Libra at the bar a few nights ago and just wow. Don’t stop.

Scorpio

New year Scorpio, and same exact you. Don’t feel bad. You tried and that’s what counts.

Sagittarius

Scorpio go to mars to get more chocolate bars, Sagittarius goes to Jupiter to get more stupider. Sorry. It’s not my fault Jupiter rules over you.

Capricorn

Your new year has been off to a great start, Capricorn. You’ve only ordered pizza TWICE instead of your usual six. Wow. Inspiring.

Aquarius

The stars say happy birthday. Actually they didn’t say anything because stars can’t talk, but the Dag says happy birthday.

Pisces

My favourite thing about Pisces is that I’ve never met a Pisces who didn’t cry like six times a day, which is so ironic since you’re a water sign and your symbol is a fish.