by NATALIA MCGILL
Most of the world knows Dance Moms as a hit television series that airs on the Lifetime network, but the students here at Augustana know them as a harsh reality – something far worse than say Nya’s technique or Jill’s shrill voice complaining that Kendall didn’t get a solo AGAIN. When the snow starts to melt and students stress out about term marks, dancers and dance parents can be found scattered across campus having their own meltdowns and stressing about performance marks. It is likely that this stress renders dance parents with vehicles completely incompetent, overtly arrogant, and willfully ignorant to the effects of their trash park jobs. So without further ado, here are 10 ways to deal with dance mom parking.
1) Complain About it on Chillabit
We all know that complaining about things on the internet will get your voice heard, especially on an anonymous app that most middle aged dance moms know exist!
2) Get to Class Early
Make sure to get to your class two minutes before it starts so that you drive around the Lougheed parking lot long enough to realize you’re going to be late, then go park on the street.
3) Leave A Note
Try leaving rude and passive aggressive notes on their vehicles to show that you, an educated adult, are not afraid to possibly traumatize a child with a drawing of a dick as long as the parents know what garbage they are.
Park your car in the empty lot early in the morning or late at night, and walk to and from school instead! You can get that quality parking spot AND get some exercise.
5) Have a Child
Impregnate yourself or a significant other, and age your child like a fine wine or cheese. Most children can enter dance competition at 3-5 years old, so while you may have had to drop out of school for a few years, at least now you have magical parking access.
You’re doing it anyways, so cry! Hopefully your tears will pool around you to create a small tsunami and wipe the dance mom’s vehicles out of the way and land you safely in a parking spot.
7) Call a Tow Truck (And a friend)
Rent a tow truck and call a friend! Have one person go into the theatre and warn that those parked along the edges of the lot or in the fire line will be towed right now, and the other person can drive around the parking lot menacingly. They can move to the street, you can take your parking pass out of your car, and take their place along the sides of the lot!
8) Work It Out
Start working out. With a healthy diet of spinach, dead lifts, and squats, you should be able to build enough strength to simply move cars out of the way with your bare hands.
9) DIY Parking Lot
So none of the options work? DIY parking lot! Find a grassy or cemented area nearby such as: the quad, the soccer field, the forum lounge balconies, or the lawn or driveway of nearby residents. None of the work, all of the profit.
10) New Car
Buy a new vehicle, and make the vehicle a monster truck with extra lift. Not only will people think your ego is huge, but you’ll be able to drive over and crush the dance moms precious SUV’s the way they crushed your dreams of a 30 second walk to class.