A Fifth Year’s Guide to Pooping on Campus
By JENNIFER HA
The Augustana Advantage includes small class sizes, personal relationships with your professors, and a liberal arts curriculum that develops your core skills. It does not, however, include the open concept bathrooms that plague our architecture. When we say your professors get to know you here, we do not mean that they should overhear your gastrointestinal activities while they’re getting something from the café. So when nature calls, where should you go?
Before we explore the best places to do your business on campus, let’s get one thing out of the way: everybody poops. You poop. I poop. All your friends poop. Your professors? They poop, too. Pooping is a shared human experience. As heartwarming (and a little gross) as this thought is, it poses a problem when you’re looking for some privacy. As a fifth year student with a slight intolerance to lactose, I have become somewhat of an expert on the art of pooping on campus. After extensive research and thorough analysis, I am ready to share my knowledge.
THE LIBRARY – 0/5
Considering that there are no doors to these bathrooms and they’re located in an environment that encourages silence, I’d say you’re better of sh*tting your pants than using one of these. Your peers in the library are already suffering—they don’t need to hear the cacophony of your bowel movements, the toilet flush, and those hand dryers.
MAIN FLOOR FORUM – 1/5
Located smack dab in the middle of all campus activity, these stalls are usually occupied. If you end up in one, however, you might find comfort in all of the noise coming from the forum. However, if you end up here on a quiet afternoon, you’ll find that your business will echo through the entire building.
THEATRE BUILDING – 1/5
If you’re all the way in the theatre building, you really have no choice but to use these bathrooms. But if you’re in the theatre building, you’re probably there for a show with a hundred other people.
FINANCE OFFICE – 2/5
Because of its proximity to all the offices, these bathrooms are fairly busy. Plus, with the dreaded construction, they provide a less-than-comfortable environment. However, there is interesting art by the entryway and usually lotion by the sink.
FOUNDER’S HALL – 2/5
After years of renovation, Founder’s Hall boasts crisp decorations and private bathrooms on every floor. However, working there over the summer has taught me that sound travels in Founders’. While you may think you’ve found a private oasis, all the poor souls in the offices outside would beg to differ.
GYM/LOCKER ROOMS – 2.5/5
These bathrooms are well lit and clean. They’re fine bathrooms. However, from a privacy standpoint they’re a game of Russian Roulette. One minute, you’re all alone. The next minute, a PAC class lets out and a crowd begins to swarm in or a sports team needs to get ready for a game.
FIRST YEAR LOBBY/THE DISH – 2.5/5
I wouldn’t recommend these bathrooms to people who don’t live in dorms—that’s kind of weird. But we all know the trials and tribulations of communal bathrooms. If you need a little peace and quiet away from your floormates or canmates, you can find them in these bathrooms. They are, however, a little out of the way and might not be worth the risk during an emergency.
CLASSROOM BUILDING – 3/5
Perhaps due to its inconvenient location, the row of stalls in the basement of the classroom building rarely get used. However, if you’re coming from, say, C167, going to the bathroom might mean you miss ten minutes of class.
ASA OFFICE – 3/5
No, don’t poop in the Students’ Association office. If you have concerns, talk to a representative. But the bathrooms right across from their office are decent if you avoid mealtimes when on-campus students usually head to and from the cafeteria nearby.
HOYME – 3/5
During class times, these bathrooms, which are perfectly average, have a good shot of someone else being in them. However, they’re thankfully a good enough distance away from the classes thanks to their peculiar location of being half a flight of stairs above the classrooms.
AUXILIARY BUILDING – 4/5
The Auxiliary building features private stall bathrooms on the main floor by the seldom-used classrooms, as well as a few downstairs. As the building itself is less frequented, it offers a quiet ambiance for you to do what you gotta do.
“SECRET BATHROOM” – 4.5/5
Right down the hall from the ASA, past the Dag office (come say hi!), across from the elevators, there are a set of bathrooms where most of the campus goes for relief. Because they’re not really beside anything and are out of the way for most people’s paths, many people will claim this is their “secret bathroom” for pooping. However, like most juicy secrets, this bathroom is really not a secret. This isn’t Hogwarts and this bathroom isn’t the Room of Requirement. Everyone knows about it. Everyone uses it. And for good reason—it’s nice and secluded. This also means that if you bump into someone there, you both know exactly what you’re doing. This bathroom loses half a point for that elephant in the room.
ROGER EPP BOARD ROOM – 5/5
The bathrooms by the Roger Epp Board Room are only used when the Board Room is being used—rarely. Not only do these bathrooms have virtually guaranteed privacy, they also magically smell like citrus fruit all the time. And more often than not, they’re stocked with lotion. Why settle for noise-polluted bathrooms in the forum when you can go up a flight of stairs and be elevated to a spa-like experience?