By JENNY GREEN

Expeditioner log, day 148:

We did not heed their warnings. Such fools, we were. Portmanteaux packed, tears shed, and farewells given, we all set off on our separate journeys far across the land, covering all four corners of the earth. For the first time, we were leaving behind everything we had known as well as the comforts of the havens we called home. My comrades and I were jubilated to be free of the varying states of dictatorship we had lived in throughout our lives, but the warnings of our elders echoed somewhere in the back of our minds.

“Desperation will claw at you when you least expect it, and temptation alone will seduce you,” they told us. Did they realise their crucial advice had fallen upon deaf ears?

We were naive; mere children!

We delved into the novel pleasures and exquisite discoveries offered to us in this new land of caloric liberation –no form of sovereignty to rule our curiosities. Never before had we experienced freedom quite like this, and perhaps we never will again.

However, what has become a method of comfort to us now turns against those who seek the consolation yearned for and thus found.

Months we have been on our own and the consequences of our thoughtlessness have begun to creep towards us. Have our garments shrunk or is something more malicious at work? A horrid rip in my trousers is due to the wearing of the fabric, yes? Meanwhile, the warmer seasons approach and our panic has begun to set in. There is yet the chance to go back, to struggle and return to our former selves, but is it worth the excruciating effort we must give in exchange?

No one knows.

There are so many questions with so few answers: Why must things so heavenly cause such havoc and repercussions? But most importantly, what did we expect? We have far too many expectations but unbelievably limited time; where and how were we supposed to discover opportunities to burn away the product of our gluttonous sins without sacrificing other aspects of our lives?

Now we are prisoners of the tantalizing delight that awakens our palates.

To those who prepare for their future quests into the life of the seemingly free, it is an illusion; we are trapped by our longings and inability to resist. For those who plan on setting out on their own, you have been warned. We beg of you, forget not the accounts of the failed; instead, learn from us and take precautions for your future.
Newcomers of campus beware: the wicked freshman fifteen!