by CAROLYN VENTER

You’re completely alone. No one wants to be with you. It’s almost Valentine’s Day. You’re getting older and uglier by the minute. Should you give up on ever finding love? Absolutely. But just because you’re a destitute spinster or some weird loner dude doesn’t mean you can’t still enjoy life. So here are ten solo date ideas that will leave you saying “The Dag sucks. I want a relationship.”

1. Go to OCs on a Friday night. No, not the bar. Take your car and park it in the parking lot of the church and just watch people. You’ll get to enjoy all the benefits of a social outing without leaving the comfort of your vehicle. Sure you could go inside and look for a hookup but that seems desperate. Wait for them to come to you. In no time someone will knock on your car door and say “You can’t park here” or “Can you spot me a Toonie for a hot dog?”
2. Write to your favourite author. This one is especially fun if you have no other role models in your life. Tell them your whole sob story about how weird you are. Not only will you likely get a letter back from a publisher asking you to “please stop writing here” but you might end up in your favourite author’s new book called “Alone and Begging for Death: A Comedy.”
3. Masturbate. This one is pretty self-explanatory.
4. Go to a Haunted location. Normally this would be kind of romantic because the two of you could protect each other and cuddle but since you’re doing this completely alone it’s probably going to be really ****ing scary.
5. Go to the movies and throw popcorn at the couples. One major reason that you’re alone is because your not memorable and you don’t stand out. Well that’s over now because you just had a 7 minute screaming match with the blonde woman in the third row when she falsely accused you of throwing popcorn at her. Say “Not only did I throw popcorn at you, but I’ve also got my eye on your man.” So now this solo date idea has also turned into an opportunity for a smack down.
6. Fight someone (See number 5).
7. Pack a picnic. Normally in dating situations you would have to worry about packing cute food that makes you look adorable while eating but since there’s no one else around you can go ahead and eat that spaghetti with your hands, lick the cheese whiz off the knife, and pour the salt from the shaker directly into your mouth. The key to making this a solo date instead of a regular Wednesday night is leaving the house. For an extra fun time bring a sock puppet to talk to.
8. Make a sock puppet.
9. So you failed to make a sock puppet because you’re not the artsy type and you didn’t want to spent the 86 cents on googly eyes. That’s fine, but you should still channel your sexual frustration into something new and exciting! For instance, you know what a murder map looks like? Make one of those for your crush and be sure to include everyone they’ve talked to in the past week, locations they’ve visited, and times they’ve called the police on you. That will get your mind off things.
10. Throw some movies on and just cry. As a starting point I recommend ‘Moulin Rouge’, ‘P.S I Love You’, ‘The Reader’, ‘Seeking a Friend for the End of the World’, ‘The Holiday’, ‘Blue Valentine’, ‘Revolutionary Road’, ‘My Girl’, ‘Brokeback Mountain,’ and ‘Schindler’s List’ for good measure.